1) Talk about getting nailed! A guy in Portland, OR went to a hospital complaining of severe headaches. Upon examining the ailing man doctors discovered 12 nails, some as long as 2 inches, stuck in his skull. Doh! Turns out this pitifully, painful pincushion had attempted suicide using a nail gun more than a year ago. Admittedly, he was high on crystal meth at the time he nailed himself, so maybe that explains why he had forgotten his folly. Doctors dutifully removed the nasty nails with needle nosed pliers and a drill. He not only survived but his headache was gone. Beats taking aspirin!

2) "Get Your Money Right" is the name of the seminar that rap mogul Russell Simmons recently gave in NYC. It was part of his nationwide drive to use the power of Hip-Hop culture to reach and teach young people about using credit cards responsibly, budgeting, saving and FICO scores. "Kids go off to college and get caught in credit traps" he explained. While it seems we educate students in reading & writing & ‘rithmatic, there is little taught about dollars & cents, especially common sense when it comes money. Lending a hand at the event was LL Cool J, Alicia Keyes, Nas and just about anyone else who is someone in the world of rap. Who knows, maybe this could inspire the government to launch a "No Child Left In Debt" program. Don’t bet on it!

3) I try to keep an open mind, but some days it just gets blown, others it gets nuked. Allow me to explain. Here in my fair city of NY we have an organization quaintly called the United Nations. While I’m all for their mission to keep peace in the world I often have to ask about the way they do it. This week it was announced that the newly elected co-chair of their Disarmament Commission was, drum roll please... Iran! This is the commission in charge of preventing nuclear proliferation on our plucky planet. I’m really sorry to say, but I think that the UN has really blown this one big time!

4) In the "Too weird to be true file" this week here is what I’ve got. A 76-year old man in Miami, FL was arrested after going door to door and offering women free breast exams. The white-haired man with coke bottle glasses claimed to be a visiting doctor in the neighborhood offering free examinations. At least two women took him up on the freebie. What led to his arrest you may ask? Well, one of the women became suspicious when she was told to remove all of her clothes for the exam and he began conducting a genital examination without using rubber gloves. Hey wait a minute, you don’t have to take all your clothes off for a titty test? Damn, that should’ve been my tip off too the last time I paid a visit to Dr. Phil!

5) What’s the sexiest part of the body? It’s gotta be the tongue. While a tasty tongue can surely make one sizzle and wiggle, our men in the military have thought up a way to make the tempting tidbit into a weapon. The Defense Department is funding a program for the sensory augmentation that would route signals from helmet-mounted cameras through the tongue and to the brain in the hope that this would give soldiers senses similar to bats or fish. While I’m not one support this wet wagging for war I do appreciated that it could be used to help the blind, although perhaps not those blinded by love. I know this story is gonna haunt me the next time I’m blissed from a kiss by a significant smoocher.

6) While we’re on the topic of tongues let’s talk about Deep Throat. Get your minds out of the gutters my sweet little suckers, cause I’m not talking about the porn-film but the former FBI agent who blew the whistle, hey... minds out of the gutter I said, on the Watergate scandal. If you recall your history correctly, this was the guy who was the key source for the Washington Post reporters that ultimately led to the downfall of the Nixon regime. In a recent interview, ultra-patriot W. Mark Felt joked that he felt like The Lone Ranger while derailing the White House cover-up. So what’s my point? I guess it kind of reminds me of the old joke where the Lone Ranger and his trusty Native American side-kick are surrounded by a hostile tribe of Indians and the Ranger says "Well, Tonto, it looks like the end for us". To which Tonto replies, "Us Kemosabe? Us"? I guess you had to be there.

7) Holy ape shit, Batman, this is a story that just had to happen: The Revenge of the Killer Chimps! As my old friend Ripley used to say, believe it or not, a pack of killer monkeys attacked and killed people in Sierra Leone. At the Tacugama Chimpanzee Sanctuary in Freetown a gang of screaming and excited apes mobbed, mauled and murdered a group of tourists and their cab driver. The reported attack was apparently the first of its kind. Sanctuary staff and local police have now launched, aah... shall we say... a monkeyhunt for the 20-some psychotic simians. What was their advice? If you’re attacked by a manic monkey, "Be submissive and lie on the ground. Oh yeah, and be sure to give up all the bananas". This is no joke, you just can’t make up monkey shit like this, folks!

8) OK, so who gets the award for being the sexiest vegetarian musician this year? No, it’s not James Lane, the hot bass player for the band Black Dawn, who were all killed in a plane crash in the 70’s. By the way, the group wasn’t actually killed in the crash but were reportedly cannibalized by the crash survivors, but that’s another story. The nominees this year are Andre3000 of Outkast, Ziggy Marley, Q-Tip, Ted Leo, Chrissie Hyde, and of course, Fiona Apple. And are you wondering who’s presenting the award? Here’s a clue, go to www.Peta.com for the answer and to see who wins. Oh, and here’s an Hot Indie News PSA "Just say no to wearing fur"! Say sayonara, James, we’re outta here....